My Good Shepherd
Natalie Tyndall // UGA Student & Missions Intern
They say college is the best 4 years of your life. As a second-year college student, I can confidently say, by the world’s standards, so far, it is definitely not the best. For the past two years, I have struggled with extreme fear and loneliness that was given a few names about a year ago. In May of 2021, I was diagnosed with general anxiety, severe depression, and a panic disorder. OCD was recently added to the list. The weight of this has, most days, seemed almost too heavy to bear. Lies hide themselves so well, I am often confused on what is true and what is not. Fear wrecked my relationship with the Lord, and Satan began to have a heyday with my mind, convincing me that this loving Father whose Son died so that I could live, was a cruel man out to get me. Satan began to scare me out of living, whispering lies that this intense suffering would never end and that there would never again be hope. Praise the Lord that He is the only and surest hope anyone can have. By my Father’s standards, the past few years have been the best of my life. I want to share my story in praise for the Lord’s work and to encourage those suffering right now. So here is how the Lord has saved my life from the pit of destruction and has set my feet on a rock, His rock, making my steps secure (Psalm 40).
Counting Myself Out
Being saved since I was 6 years old, I never imagined I would struggle so intensely with such deep sadness. After an official diagnosis, I felt lost. Where was this joy that was promised to us? The whole story of the Gospel is that we are NOT hopeless, but why did I feel so constantly distraught? I began to believe the lies that I could not continue to lead a d-group, participate in serving the church, or even pray aloud in tribe because of the intensity of my suffering. I felt as if there was something I had done, or was not doing, that kept me in this pit. Philippians 4:6 tells us not to be anxious but to pray with thanksgiving, and we will be given peace. This God of peace had never felt further. I was scared to go to bed at night because I knew how fearful I would be to wake up and live the next day. I feared the Lord was angry at me. I was quite literally scared of God. And how perfect His timing is that just 3 weeks after a diagnosis, I was off on a plane to spend the summer serving Him in Boston.
Counting on the Lord
I like to call this summer the Miracle Summer, because I truly believe the Lord worked miracles in my life. After sharing with my team about everything going on, they began to battle for me in prayer. Some would stay up late into the night, fighting alongside angels for my heart and mind. The Lord pursued me through His people, giving me some of the dearest friendships I have ever had and still have today. Pastor Shippey shared a story of someone dear to him who had dealt with similar things, saying the Lord healed her with a miracle. So, alongside my team, I decided I would pray for a miracle. The Enemy was working hard to keep me far from the only One we all knew had the power to calm the storm. About halfway through the summer, a flip switched. I was no longer afraid to live, but I was alive in who my Father had made me, safe in His embrace. He taught me to trust His heart, that even if things persisted, that there was a purpose: “that they may see and know, may consider and understand together that the hand of the Lord has done this, the Holy One of Israel has created it” (Isaiah 41:20). God’s heart for His children is that they would trust His. I came home, knowing my heart was safe with the one who knit it together. He restored our relationship and taught me to count on Him.
Counting it all JOY
Recently, it feels as if nothing in my brain or my physical body has changed. While the Lord is refining my heart and is so near, my circumstances have not shifted. A few weeks ago at the prayer gathering, Carlos encouraged us to pray boldly for breakthrough. The Lord met me in my despair and brought James 1 to my mind. Through tears, I read:
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
How could I count any of this past year's joy when my battles didn’t seem to be changing, despite my circumstances and my friends’ constantly changing? Because He is the God of endurance, whose steadfast love is better than life itself (Psalm 63:3). We do not suffer because God is cruel. Psalm 23 says, “When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..” We will all suffer. It is a result of the fall. But just like He always does, the Lord takes these broken pieces and makes them into a beautiful story, showing His Gospel again and again. After reading in James, the Lord reminded me of Psalm 23. Psalm 23:1 says, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing.” We suffer so that we might lack nothing. Resting in the Father, abiding in Him, I lack nothing– He is not angry, He is not out to get us, He is not punishing us.
To live the abundant life Jesus promises us, we must learn to count it all joy, whether it be the most joyous season or one of deep heartache. Here are some ways my Father has taught me to dance through mourning, counting it all joy. (This is really hard and I am still working on it, day by day.)
1. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in Spirit. Psalm 34:18
Suffering pins you to the throne of God, crying out to Him over and over again, because there comes a point where your own self is gone and all you have is your Savior. Crazily enough, that is sufficient. How sweet it is to be near to the Savior, wrapped in His embrace, holding on to His love for dear life.
2. After counting on Him, the Lord really taught me what it means to count on His people, the Church– our family now.
For months, my prayer has been for people– to be surrounded by those who would fight with me and for me when I can no longer. The Lord will ALWAYS provide. Last semester, His nearness taught me of His friendship, teaching me how to walk and talk to Him like someone I would walk around campus with. What a friend we have in Jesus. And then He extends His arms of love through His children through the friends, mentors, pastors, classmates He puts in our lives. Lean on your community of brothers and sisters.
3. I get to share the authenticity of the Gospel because I have experienced it in a whole new way this season. I can walk side by side with others struggling, disciple my high schoolers better, and meet people in their brokenness. Psalm 40 talks about the pit of destruction, and I often find myself sitting there, praying for Him to “incline to me and hear my cry” (verse 1). But, He’s teaching me to rejoice in the waiting. Maybe I am still in the “pit of destruction” because there are others down there too who need to hear of the Hope of the Ages and have someone to hold on to.
Counting on Eternity
The Enemy is out to steal, kill, and destroy. My dad always reminds me that if Satan cannot keep us from salvation, he will do everything in his power to make us ineffective for the Gospel. Satan has been trying to keep me out of the game.
When I am feeling particularly down or struggling through a week of depression, a friend once encouraged me to dwell on Heaven. I never really understood the hope we have in Jesus until He began to show me Heaven. Psalm 23 ends with, “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Our promised inheritance is the hope of the Gospel, that we will get to spend eternity with our Father in perfect communion.
There have been many days when all I wanted to do was be in Heaven, instead of on Earth. In 2 Corinthians, Paul talks about the thorn in his side, and maybe mental illness is just the one in mine. In a time of panic the other day, a friend reminded me of this reality but the juxtaposing truth where I could have hope in a hopeless situation: that even in my weakness, His grace is sufficient. Even if I am never healed on this side of Heaven, He has already given me Himself, and that will get me through. This weakness will not be my end, it will not kill me like the Enemy intends. On the contrary, it allows me to hope and count it for joy. Again, I lack nothing.
Some songs for days when you need to dwell on Heaven:
Just Like Heaven by Brandon Lake
Hymn of Heaven by Phil Whickam
Tin Roof by Chris Tomlin
No Doubt About It by We the Kingdom
Endless Praise by Charity Gayle
Counting to Come
Seasons of suffering will come and go. In our exhausted states, God is not too tired to keep holding us. Psalm 3 reminds us that He is the lifter of our heads. The past month, God has begun to lift my head in a new way. Although my mind is racing, my heart is at peace because I can say, “It is well with my soul.” He has taught me to count again. Remembering Psalm 23, once again, the other day, I had a breakthrough.
He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. (Psalm 23:5)
God is not ashamed of me or my struggles– in fact the truth is quite the opposite. He prepares a TABLE, a FEAST, for me and Him in the presence of my enemies– fear, anxiety, doubt, depression. He sits down and dines with us, regardless of what is sitting at the table too. He is big enough to look at those unwanted guests and cause them to flee whenever He pleases. Because of this, I have begun to pray for miracles again. He has done it once, I believe He can do it again.
Oh the joy it is to dine with the Savior with the hope of dwelling with Him for all of eternity! And when I set my mind on that truth, I know I truly lack nothing in the safety of my Good Shepherd.
While I wish to end this with, “God has completely healed me and I am better than ever!” that is not reality, and truly– that it is okay. Because instead, I have the nearness of my Savior and His people like never before. He promises to waste nothing, and I can count on Him to use all of this one day, prayerfully on the mission field.
Please know you are not alone. He is near. Your church is here. His kingdom is coming. Hold fast to the grip of your Heavenly Father!
I cannot wait to spend eternity with you all, healed and made complete, worshiping our Savior forever.
Natalie is an elementary education major with a Spanish minor at UGA. She is a missions intern and went to Boston with Watty this past summer! She is also involved in the Jones tribe on Thursdays. Serving the local church and seeing people on mission both abroad and locally are some of her biggest passions!
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